Since April and I started sharing with others our plan to adopt, we’ve received lots of questions which we are more than happy to answer. The “when are you due?” question is embarrassing for me, but once I explain we're adopting and my girlie parts just have ESP, it’s less awkward.
One of the questions we field quite often is: “Have either
of you considered carrying a child and starting your family that way?”
I’ve covered April’s feelings on physically bearing a child
in an earlier post (read it here). I am hopeful one day to have a nugget
nestled in my own belly for nine months, but for lots of reasons, we chose to travel
down the path of open adoption first.
Adopting a child was a decision we agreed on immediately. I
myself am adopted - well, half-way. My mother is my biological mother and my
father adopted me when I was two. Pretty sure my baby blue eyes and perfect
behavior sealed the deal for dad.
I mean, honestly...
Many of our family and friends have adopted
and it’s something April and I felt was right for us.
Given we are a same-sex couple, there are some “extra”
things we have to consider when either having or adopting a child. In the state
of Virginia, where we live, only one of us can be on the birth certificate. In
a lesbian relationship, that person would either be the biological mother of
the child (me, if I were to carry), or when adopting, the person applying for
the adoption (essentially, going through the process as a single mother).
It’s truly frustrating our relationship isn’t recognized,
but it’s a reality (that we’re actively campaigning against), and one we must
work within given the laws as they stand today. We determined it best that April
to be the adoptive parent given she is employed by a school and therefore has
the better insurance. As the adoptive mother, she can claim the child as a
dependent and put our little nugget on her insurance. I am self-employed and if
I were the adoptive parent, the private insurance would cost us a great deal
more and likely not be nearly as comprehensive.
The staff at the Independent Adoption Center (IAC) is
familiar with gay and lesbian couples and made sure to let April and I know they
respect us as a couple and although April will be listed as the adoptive
parent, they will never treat us any more or less than the straight or single
couples they work with. The same information was required from both of us and
we are both very much included in the process.
It stung a little bit during our home study when paperwork
referred to April as the adoptive parent and me as the “other adult in the
household,” but I managed to find the silver lining by realizing that during
2am feeding times I could nudge her and say: “Listen, I’m just the other adult
in the household…”
As a same-sex couple, having only one parent on the birth certificate
presents many challenges. Only April can enroll our child in school. Only April
can make medical decisions for our child. If April is out of town and our child
gets hurt, I can only come to the hospital during visiting hours because I’m
not considered family. The list is endless.
“But can’t you come up with a Power of Attorney or other
documentation?” you’re asking.
Why yes, yes we can, but it doesn’t mean those documents can’t
be contested because of a little something called the Defense of Marriage Act
(DOMA) that passed. When a man and a woman marry, they are automatically
entitled to 1,100 benefits (retirement, financial protection, hospital rights,
contractual rights, etc). I’m paraphrasing here, but DOMA essentially states
that ANY of those 1,100 rights are deemed null and void when entered in by two
people of the same sex.
April and I could spend 50 years together and have wills
drawn up – null and void. Powers of Attorney – null and void. All null and void
if contested. Would we (or any other couple in our shoes) contest it? Hell yes.
But at great emotional and financial cost.
The only way to get around this conundrum, far as we know,
is to apply for “second parent adoption” in a state that allows it. For us, the
closest state is Maryland. Once April adopts our nugget, we will need to secure
a second residence in Maryland for up to six months, make it our primary
residence, and then apply to add me to the birth certificate. That means more
than an hour commute to and from work, a second set of bills, legal fees and
some disruption of our lives – but well worth it. Once approved, Maryland will
add my name to the birth certificate and the state of Virginia will have to
honor it.
We can only hope Virginia (and most other states in the
U.S.) will catch up to Maryland and we won’t have to go through this with our
second child, the one I hope to carry (assuming all my girlie parts are still intact).
If I were to carry right now, I would be the biological mother
and on the birth certificate. My private insurance doesn’t cover pregnancy, so
we’d have to pay outright for prenatal care and the birth (which we would do).
However, we’d have to pay private insurance for our child and that doesn’t make
sense when April has a job that would cover it. Oh, right. But if I have the
child, April can’t be on the birth certificate, which means her insurance won’t
cover it. Back to applying for the second parent adoption in Maryland and all
that comes with it. Once approved, April’s insurance would cover the child, but
the process could be awhile and we may not be in a place financially where we
could make that happen.
Confusing, right? You straight people will never take baby making
for granted again, will ya? J
So, that’s where we are at right now. Me hoping my girlie
parts hang in there until the state of Virginia catches up with the times and
April and I are following our other dream of adopting a nugget who will be the
first addition to our happy home.
Unless you count our dogs: Rosie the one-eyed-wonder,
Snaggle Tooth and John Paul the Poodle Pope. And I’m pretty sure they think
they should be counted…
9 comments:
Yet, another good reason for Federal recognition and protection of marriage for all.
Coincidentally, I posted on FB, just before you linked here, a list of recent couples filing for divorce. I proposed that we ban people of the opposite sex from marrying because of their miserable failures. Not really, but I made my point.
You already know that FULL equality is something I will fight for until my last breath. It's our right, and it's overdue.
Good luck, Guys. xo's.
Heather, you are absolutely right. I will never take baby making stuff for granted again. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I hadn't even realized half the crap you and April have to go through to adopt or have a baby. Good luck with all of it!
Heather - Don't worry, soon the rest of the country will catch up and you and April will have the same rights as any other couple. It's not here yet because the government is full of pompous blowhards totally disconnected with reality, but I'm convinced the day is coming soon when average Americans will demand that their LGBT friends, family and neighbors be treated as equals. In the meantime, good luck jumping through those flaming hoops, I'm sure you will feel it's totally worth it in the end!
You guys are truly special and the little nugget will be grateful. It saddens me to hear the difficulty that same sex couples have to go through. I worry if anything happens to my partner and being allowed to see her in the hospital. I can't imagine adding the worry of a little nugget and being told I had no rights. It is my hope and prayer that one day we will truly all be equal. I will continue to pray for you guys during this process. Much love to you both.
Laine: thank you so much for your support and efforts. It is very difficult to suffer through "sanctity of marriage" and Biblical arguements when it comes to recognizing the relationship I have with April. You can literally hear the glass houses shatter as those arguements are made and it's hard not to choke on the hypocrisy. I know God created me, my heart, April and HE is the one who will bring our little nugget to us. At the end of my days, I am not only ready, but excited, to tell him I never waivered in my knowledge that even though people would try to use Him to judge me, I stood firm in knowing I was his daughter and that He doesn't make mistakes. People don't have to accept my relationship with April, the government does. I want the same rights my mother, father and brother enjoy. I want my kids protected and will do everything in my power to make it so. There are folks on both side of the political aisle working for equality and I truly believe in time, this will no longer be an issue. It can't come soon enough!
Anonymous: thank you so much for your post. Don't be embarrased, there is no reason you WOULD know the kinds of issues we deal with. Just as I couldn't pretend to know what others face if it's not in my realm of reality. Nearly every straight person who hears our story has the same reaction: "I had NO idea!" It's a big part of why I share my life via blogs - it's a way for folks to get to know April and I. To see we aren't that different from everyone else. We laugh, we fight, we hope to raise a family, we take out the trash, we mentor young kids - we are everyday people. Thanks for your well wishes!
Lisa: You have always been a huge support of LGBT rights and we are thankful to have you :) I do believe times are changing and that by the time my nugget is old enough to vote, this won't even be a platform issue. Today's youth isn't as afraid of LGBT labels. I've found that most often the people with the harshest judgements against us are people who live in fear and likely don't even know a gay couple. I've had the good fortune of people telling me that because I'm so open with our lives, they have changed their perspective on what it means to be gay. that is a huge victory and one April and I are proud of. The more we open ourselves up and share, the more change we all make. thanks for being part of our journey and our support system!
Angie: thanks, friend :) it's our hope too. You are pretty special yourself and I feel so fortunate to count you among our friends!
hey there heather, how nice to find you and apes here on booties and burps! thanks to laine for passing on the good news.
here's wishing you every success! in my not so humble opinion you ladies will make wonderful parents.
Reef! Hey friend :) So good to see you again and gosh, we are so appreciative of Laine for always letting folks know what we're up to. She's the best. Your opinion is highly valued, so thanks for sharing it :)
Sickening. I can't believe the injustices that exist today. You can totally use my address to establish residence in Maryland!! PS. When did DOMA pass? I thought it was being contested by the administration?!?
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