Since April and I started sharing with others our plan to adopt, we’ve received lots of questions which we are more than happy to answer. The “when are you due?” question is embarrassing for me, but once I explain we're adopting and my girlie parts just have ESP, it’s less awkward.
One of the questions we field quite often is: “Have either
of you considered carrying a child and starting your family that way?”
I’ve covered April’s feelings on physically bearing a child
in an earlier post (read it here). I am hopeful one day to have a nugget
nestled in my own belly for nine months, but for lots of reasons, we chose to travel
down the path of open adoption first.
Adopting a child was a decision we agreed on immediately. I
myself am adopted - well, half-way. My mother is my biological mother and my
father adopted me when I was two. Pretty sure my baby blue eyes and perfect
behavior sealed the deal for dad.
I mean, honestly...
Many of our family and friends have adopted
and it’s something April and I felt was right for us.
Given we are a same-sex couple, there are some “extra”
things we have to consider when either having or adopting a child. In the state
of Virginia, where we live, only one of us can be on the birth certificate. In
a lesbian relationship, that person would either be the biological mother of
the child (me, if I were to carry), or when adopting, the person applying for
the adoption (essentially, going through the process as a single mother).
It’s truly frustrating our relationship isn’t recognized,
but it’s a reality (that we’re actively campaigning against), and one we must
work within given the laws as they stand today. We determined it best that April
to be the adoptive parent given she is employed by a school and therefore has
the better insurance. As the adoptive mother, she can claim the child as a
dependent and put our little nugget on her insurance. I am self-employed and if
I were the adoptive parent, the private insurance would cost us a great deal
more and likely not be nearly as comprehensive.
The staff at the Independent Adoption Center (IAC) is
familiar with gay and lesbian couples and made sure to let April and I know they
respect us as a couple and although April will be listed as the adoptive
parent, they will never treat us any more or less than the straight or single
couples they work with. The same information was required from both of us and
we are both very much included in the process.
It stung a little bit during our home study when paperwork
referred to April as the adoptive parent and me as the “other adult in the
household,” but I managed to find the silver lining by realizing that during
2am feeding times I could nudge her and say: “Listen, I’m just the other adult
in the household…”
As a same-sex couple, having only one parent on the birth certificate
presents many challenges. Only April can enroll our child in school. Only April
can make medical decisions for our child. If April is out of town and our child
gets hurt, I can only come to the hospital during visiting hours because I’m
not considered family. The list is endless.
“But can’t you come up with a Power of Attorney or other
documentation?” you’re asking.
Why yes, yes we can, but it doesn’t mean those documents can’t
be contested because of a little something called the Defense of Marriage Act
(DOMA) that passed. When a man and a woman marry, they are automatically
entitled to 1,100 benefits (retirement, financial protection, hospital rights,
contractual rights, etc). I’m paraphrasing here, but DOMA essentially states
that ANY of those 1,100 rights are deemed null and void when entered in by two
people of the same sex.
April and I could spend 50 years together and have wills
drawn up – null and void. Powers of Attorney – null and void. All null and void
if contested. Would we (or any other couple in our shoes) contest it? Hell yes.
But at great emotional and financial cost.
The only way to get around this conundrum, far as we know,
is to apply for “second parent adoption” in a state that allows it. For us, the
closest state is Maryland. Once April adopts our nugget, we will need to secure
a second residence in Maryland for up to six months, make it our primary
residence, and then apply to add me to the birth certificate. That means more
than an hour commute to and from work, a second set of bills, legal fees and
some disruption of our lives – but well worth it. Once approved, Maryland will
add my name to the birth certificate and the state of Virginia will have to
honor it.
We can only hope Virginia (and most other states in the
U.S.) will catch up to Maryland and we won’t have to go through this with our
second child, the one I hope to carry (assuming all my girlie parts are still intact).
If I were to carry right now, I would be the biological mother
and on the birth certificate. My private insurance doesn’t cover pregnancy, so
we’d have to pay outright for prenatal care and the birth (which we would do).
However, we’d have to pay private insurance for our child and that doesn’t make
sense when April has a job that would cover it. Oh, right. But if I have the
child, April can’t be on the birth certificate, which means her insurance won’t
cover it. Back to applying for the second parent adoption in Maryland and all
that comes with it. Once approved, April’s insurance would cover the child, but
the process could be awhile and we may not be in a place financially where we
could make that happen.
Confusing, right? You straight people will never take baby making
for granted again, will ya? J
So, that’s where we are at right now. Me hoping my girlie
parts hang in there until the state of Virginia catches up with the times and
April and I are following our other dream of adopting a nugget who will be the
first addition to our happy home.
Unless you count our dogs: Rosie the one-eyed-wonder,
Snaggle Tooth and John Paul the Poodle Pope. And I’m pretty sure they think
they should be counted…
