Baby Steps

Back before being a grown up caught up with me, I blogged nearly every day at www.thewishfulwriter.blogspot.com for those of you with nothing better to do than pour through hundreds of posts where I make fun of my partner, April.

Don't feel bad for her - she totally deserved the verbal beatings and for a good while even ended her ridiculousness by saying "this is going to end up on your blog, isn't it?"

Frankly, it's like she's giving you permission to laugh at her.

Work took over my life for a bit and keeping a daily blog felt more like another job instead of something I truly loved doing. So I took a break. I focused on work and instead of dreaming about becoming a famous writer whose blog was miraculously discovered by movie producers, I turned my attention to my second dream.

Becoming a parent.

I have known since I can remember that being a parent is not something I could do or might do, it is something I MUST do.

Sure, coming to terms with the fact I was a lesbian at the age of 28 put a minor, but not insurmountable hurdle in my path. All my girly parts worked (and still do, thank you), but short of closing my eyes and doing the deed with a long haired dude who I could pretend was a chic, I was missing a pretty important piece of the baby puzzle.

Well, two parts of the baby puzzle. No sperm, no partner. No way.

I have the utmost respect for single parents, I just don't want to be one. Mostly because I feel like it's important to have someone to blame when your kid messes up. I'm always thinking ahead. It's a strength of mine.

In August of 2005, I made April the happiest woman on the planet when I agreed to go steady with her. I'm not sure what she was most attracted to - my frequent foul language (not around children, people), the fact I break things nearly as quickly as I buy them, or the fact I lived seven hours away from her at the time....

In 2005, I was living in Knoxville, TN, not far from where she’d grown up in Bristol, TN. She still had and has family in the area and we quickly became fast friends which developed into a strong partnership which only blossomed after she told me whole heartedly that she too wanted to become a mother.

Watching April play Wii with her great-niece, Hailey, taught me everything I needed to know about what kind of parent she'd be. Seeing her dance around with a remote in her hand and not caring (or knowing) that she looked like she was having a seizure was heartwarming. She even let Hailey win. When you're competitive like April, that's tantamount to Ghandi-like behavior, even if your competitor is still in training pants.

Together, April and I spent several years getting to know each other and talking about how we’d like to grow our family. Birthing and adoption were always on the table. Well, birthing was always on my side of the table.

When I asked April if she’d ever be interested in carrying a child, she responded with something like:

“SERIOUSLY?  Can you see ME pregnant? No, huh uh. I mean, I want children, but I don’t want to carry. Besides, child birth is painful for people in my family.”

Me: “Uh huh. Just in your family?”

April: “Well, my sister lost an organ during child birth.”

Me: “Really? Which one?”

April: “Her gall bladder.”

Me: “HER GALL BLADDER?! You don’t even need your gall bladder!”

April, with a raised brow: “Well, it hurt her.”

Suffice it to say, April believes her argument has staying power and stands firm that she would be supportive if I ever get pregnant, but she’s attached to her gall bladder.

Deciding to move forward with our plans to adopt, I began to research agencies that would work with gay and lesbian couples. I found the IndependentAdoption Center (IAC) and requested an information packet from them. Once it arrived, April and I tore into the packet immediately and liked what we read.

We attended an informative session hosted by the agency and we were pretty much hooked. I say pretty much because I had a bit of anxiety. Not surrounding adoption itself, but surrounding open adoption, which is the only form of adoption the IAC does.

Open adoption means that birthmothers and adoptive parents have a chance to get to know each other prior to the arrival of the child. You may have contact with several birthmothers before all parties involved feel connected and as though it’s a good fit. The agency will facilitate meetings and help  work through the level of contact everyone expects as the child ages. Often it starts with photos every six months and the possibility of a meeting once a year.

April, who is a therapist, immediately saw open adoption as a beautiful thing. I struggled internally for a bit, as fear of the unknown camped out in my head.

I had all kinds of questions:

Won’t openness make it difficult for birthmothers to heal and allow us, as adoptive parents to take over?

What if she wants the baby back? Is that even possible?

What if our kid decides s/he hates us and wants to go live with the birthmother? You know we’ll screw something up and make the kid mad.

I had all of these insecurities prior to our weekend intensive session at the IAC offices. The staff was amazing and not surprisingly, familiar with every single one of my fears. Through informative discussions and even appearances from past birthmothers and adoptive parents who had once been in our shoes, we learned just how healthy open adoption is.

The agency gently reminded us that if birthmothers COULD parent, they would. They are coming to the agency because they feel another option might be best for the child they are carrying.

We also learned birthmothers fear adoptive parents will change their minds and decide not to go through with the adoption. This blew me away that adoptive and birth parents would have fears on opposite ends of the spectrum.

The benefits of open adoption are endless:

You have full access to medical records

There is no shame for the birthmother and the child

The birthmother doesn’t have to wonder if she made the right choice, she’ll be able to follow her child’s progress with the adoptive family

Adoptive parents can find peace in knowing they were hand selected by the birthmother to parent their child.

After many discussions and a lot of reading, I jumped on the open adoption band wagon and now firmly believe it’s the best option for growing our family.

On July 30^th, 2010, April and I formally signed with the IAC and started our journey toward parenthood.

On January 5^th, 2012, we were formally approved and vetted by the IAC and our profile went “live.”

We are now waiting for pregnant birthmothers to either:

View our online profile on the IAC website and contact us

View our personal website and contact us

Receive, directly from the IAC, our dear birthmother letter and contact us

Learn about us via Facebook or through word of mouth and contact us

So far, we’ve not had any contacts from birthmothers, but we are practicing patience (easier for April than for me on many levels) and trusting it will happen and unfold as it’s supposed to.

Every night before I lay my head on my pillow, I look at the usually slumbering April and our three dogs and say the following prayer:

“Dear God,

Please hold and protect all expectant birthmothers and the little nuggets they are carrying in their bellies. If open adoption is something they are considering, please provide comfort and strength and remind them they aren’t alone. To the birthmother and nugget who will eventually become part of our family, we can’t wait to meet them and welcome them into our lives. In your name, I pray.

Amen.

PS – Could you help me lose 20 pounds?”

Update 1/20/12: Thank you to everyone leaving comments! For some reason I can't see or respond to them right now, but i have a message into blogger about it and when it's fixed, I'll respond! Thank you!!

Update: Fixed! I'm answering comments now :)

                                  Heather (L) and April (R)